Undecided

“Sometimes, Gin, life leaves you without directions, without guideposts or signs. When this happens, you just have to pick a direction and run like hell.” – Aunt Peg, The 13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson

I love this quote from the novel I’m recently reading. I’m also undecided of what I wanna do with life because there are so much things I wanna do and what I want to be. It’s very confusing which is which but the bottom part of it all is I wanna explore more of the world and life.

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Yummy Tummy

This post has been my assignment for more than a week. I’ve been composing this in my head since I’m not sure when and my mind was telling me to start making it but my hand and my body are not cooperating. So just now that I’ve come to my senses, I’m starting to cram (which is my very habit that I wanna change). Well, anyway, since I promised myself that while I’m still breathing, I will never stop being productive and never stop making something new, so for this post, I’m dedicating it to my most favorite thing in the world which  is… (very obvious in my title) FOOD!

I love food! I’m in love with it that if only a man could live with only food, I’d prolly survive. Ha! Well, I grew up in a family who really loves to eat. Unlike my brother, I’m not really picky with food. I eat everything and anything as long as it’s eatable (of course I’m exempting exotic foods). I don’t know how to cook nor bake so my mission: To be able to cook or bake without any help from my mom or from anyone. I was inspired to bake since my mom is very much an expert in cooking AND baking. She is so good in baking, especially Brazo de Mercedes, that every one who tastes it doesn’t want to stop. She also has a colleague who bakes a lot and I mean A LOT! Because of these inspirations, it all became pinspiration and so I starting searching for a good recipe of the food I really wanna try and cook (especially bake) in Pinterest.

At first, I was very hesitant in baking and I’m very afraid that it wouldn’t turn out as to what I’m expecting but I told myself, it’s part of learning, right? Failure is part of learning. Nothing would happened if I don’t make it happen so my journey in baking, and hopefully in cooking, begins now.

So anyway, here are the stuffs which I’ve accomplished within the month:

Apple and Red

Since I have a work in the morning and I feel very tired when I get home, I usually make and bake these foods on weekends. In the first couple of weeks of March, what I have planned to do are the Red Velvet Cupcakes, which I’m very obsessed in perfecting and Apple Fritters, which my parents are very much grateful that I did it.

My Red Velvet Cupcakes are not very successful since it’s not sweet. Although my father liked it since he’s a diabetic, it’s still not acceptable for me so I’m planning to make another batch hopefully on April. After my disappointment on my Red Velvet Cupcakes, I changed my route to Apple Fritters and no disappointments at all! My whole family loved it! If we cannot finish the whole batch in one eating, I usually store the batter, with the apples on it in a sealed container and put it in the refrigerator and whenever we need some dessert, I just pull it out from the fridge and fry it. It’s very easy to make and very delectable. So I give it five stars. 🙂

As for the whole second half of the month of March, what I did was bake Cinnamon rolls because of my craving with Cinnabon. It was majestic! I really enjoyed making this, from the making of the dough and kneading which I think is the best part until the sprinkling of the filling. What I wasn’t able to perfect in these cinnamon rolls are the frosting so apparently, I don’t have pictures of cinnamon rolls with frosting.

pecabon 2

I am hoping as I search more recipes in Pinterest, I would be able to make more delectable foods and be an expert in baking. Thanks to Pinterest and for the people who are sharing their talents. I am so happy that I wouldn’t be able to have the driving force in doing these stuffs without them.

Labor of Love

The second month of the year is about to end and despite my busyness, I would never let this month pass without posting something. This month may be the love month to most of us but since I’m single (and I’m very much happy about it), I still got my family and friends to show my love. Ha! I was supposed to post this last year but since I was preparing something for Christmas, I thought, I’d better surprise them (my friends) first before they find out what it is I gave them.

It was November 2012 when my crafty side had erupted (and I would admit, my boring-ness too). Did you ever feel your hands (being so itchy, well not literally) and your mind (causing all the drive and being so pushy) just wanted to do something new and something special? Well, I felt that. Maybe because of my frustration to try something new and make something out of ordinary, given also with my obsession with Berets and beanies. And then it started…

My first not-so-perfect beret.

My second attempt

When I bought my first crochet hook and yarns, I was delighted. It was a magical moment for me (when I say magical, the moment I saw those crochet hooks in a bundle, there’s a background music playing in my mind. I was amused! Okay, I know I’m over reacting but forgive me for my excitement). Right after I bought it, I can’t wait to get home and make some.

I googled, researched and read about stuffs on how to make a beret/beanie and I stumbled upon these very helpful videos in YouTube. Thanks to Tracey Nguyen and Ms. Teresa of Crochet Geek for showing their wonderful skills and talent in YouTube. Here are their videos: DIY: Patched/Pyramid Beret (Crochet Tutorial) and Crochet Geek: Crochet Puff Stitch Hat

Since I’m still a novice, my first try wasn’t that successful but I didn’t give up. I remembered, it took me 2 days to finish that beret and I was so frustrated! When I finished it, I was flaunting it to my mom and my dad and my brother who keeps on teasing me and laughing at me while I was making it.  He can’t believe I made it and I was able to finish it! Ha! After making my first beret, I’ve got a very good idea: Why not make Berets as Christmas gifts? Well, I did it.

My first not-so-perfect beret.

My first not-so-perfect beret.

For the whole month of November 2012, right after my work, I spent hours making Berets for my friends while I wait for my dad to fetch me. People who pass by me are amused and can’t stop staring (I am loving the attention. Thank you very much!). For that whole month, I was able to finish 8 Berets. I just wasn’t able to take pictures of all of it since the sender of my package was about to leave the country and I’m still not finish with it all so it slipped my mind. Well anyway, I was able to take pictures of my first 2 products. DELIGHT!

In the middle of my crocheting, one day, my father asked me why I made so much of Berets, with different color combinations and different designs, and I told him that I’m making it for my friends as Christmas gifts and guess what he told me. He said: “Oh… Labor of Love” and I love hearing it. Indeed, it is.

Voicing out my cries

Be aware

More than a couple of months have passed and until now I still  feel threatened and traumatized with what happened to me.

I am dedicating this post for those people who were harassed, abused or taken advantaged of, sexually or not sexually.  I’ve been longing to post this from the moment it happened. I felt really ashamed of what happened and whenever I remember it, it disgust me! I am waiting for the right moment to post this and I felt that the right moment came. I am composed and I am ready to voice out my cries to you or to someone who is concerned.

It was my 2nd month at my first work and I’ve been feeling at ease and adjusted already. I knew the people around me and I’ve been very friendly with all of them especially with the bosses (of course!). Little did I know that my boss has a special interest in me.

One evening, it was past 5 and my colleague and I were talking. He passed by our window and talked with us. He started talking about our tardy co-workers and their warning letters, then suddenly in the middle of his sentence, he stopped. He entered the lab and called my name, so I followed him to his office for I thought it was just a routine work related instruction. He made me sit adjacent to him. At first he complimented and gave me flattering remarks in relation to my work attitude. For all the compliments he said, I only responded a ‘Thank you, Sir’. Then he initiated to shake my hand. TWICE! After that, he asked for my mobile number and also asked who I’m living with which I thought are irrelevant and very personal questions. I responded politely and answered all his questions. Then, he started touching my hands and touching my face and it really made me felt uneasy so after a few seconds I asked if I could leave because I really felt uncomfortable but he didn’t seem to hear me. Then he asked if my ‘Thank You’s’ could be replaced by a hug and a kiss which surprised me. But since I’ve noticed from my past encounters with him, he always jokes around, I thought he was just joking though it felt really uneasy but I didn’t show him. Then suddenly, he opened his arms wide in gesture of asking for a hug, I was caught in between of just shaking his hand and giving him a hug but since I could not refuse (since he’s my boss) I gave-in in a surprised manner and I was really feeling anxious. He gave me a kiss on the cheek while he was hugging me. I was surprised. I immediately moved away. I felt violated with the way he treated me. Before leaving his office he advised me not to mention it to anyone but I couldn’t hold my silence. The moment I stepped out of his office, I was shaking and I was so scared that I didn’t know what to do. When I went back to my post, my colleague was asking me what he told me and I was speechless. I was so scared and I was about to cry but I held it all back. I told her everything! I was asking her opinion if I should tell it to my parents or not. I started asking the opinions of my friends. One of my friends told me not to mention it to my parents but the other one told me to mention it to them so I was undecided.

After 4 days of sleepless nights, I couldn’t take it anymore. I told my mother and she was furious (not the scandalous kind of furious but she really wanted to talk to my boss and I was so scared I just couldn’t let her). We debated what to do but I was really decided to leave and resign. My father was calm about it and talked to me. He explained to me that it was not my fault and I didn’t do anything wrong so, why would I leave my job? He told me to talk to the head of the lab and explain to him everything, and so I did (with the support of my mom). After that, our head told me to go to the Human Resources to report my complaint. The abuser went to my mom’s office to explain his side but my mother didn’t let him. He was like, “I need to talk to you, in front of her (pointing at me)”. THE NERVE!

What I wanted to point out is that from all the trouble, my restlessness, my depression and my anxiety, NOTHING HAPPENED! They didn’t even suspend him! Knowing that this country is very conservative (I MEAN VERY VERY CONSERVATIVE THAT EVEN SHAKING A FEMALE’S HAND IS NOT ALLOWED), we thought they’d work on it. My mother was actually expecting them to fire him out but I told her that it would be grave until when he started asking his staff to lie for him telling the Human Resources people that he was in the office while that incident happened (THE EFF!). So here’s what I’m gonna tell you people who were investigating this case:

To Mr. AB, first of all, you didn’t know how scared I was and you didn’t know what I’ve been through. If you think that it is okay here in this place to hug and kiss a girl then think again! You may not have grown up here and I may be a Christian but I know and I respect the culture and tradition of this place so I hope you do too (especially you who is a native of this place). And if you were thinking that I am making up this story then you’re wrong! Never would I make up a story to destroy someone’s reputation! I know you two were bestest friends so no doubt about it, you’ll never hear me out. YES, I KNOW! Pity your bestest friend is a sex offender. Did you even know that he has also done it to someone other than me? She didn’t complain and I think you know why. I admit, I am a weakling and you were asking why he chose me? Well, ask him! Why ask me? My theory is, I will admit, I am shy, a weakling and a gullible kid. I easily trust people and that is my biggest mistake.

To one mister and two miss, I didn’t know what your opinions were when I explained to you my side but I hope you’ve analyzed the incident. (But I think that you didn’t analyze it well). HA!

What I am only asking is protection people! From what I’ve observed, you didn’t support my side. How about those other women who were abused?!?! How could they ask for your help when you are tolerating these kinds of action?!?!?! Now I am still fighting. If you all know how hard it is for me to see him every single day. It scares me! And at the same time, it disgusts me! My heart leaps out and runs away from my body. Actually, whenever I see him, my tendency is to run away. To leave. To run far away from the lab but I couldn’t. Right now, as long as I don’t see him, I feel better.

To the most disgusting person I’ve known, I wouldn’t stress myself to you. I would continue, live my life and I would just laugh and wait for your karma.

Exordium

DSCF3620

Happy 2013! My first post on the first day of the year 2013! Although a week apart, oh until now I can still smell the sweet effluvium of Christmas from our home! The spirit of Christmas and New Year may never be felt outside our apartment but the feeling of contentment, wholeness of our family and cheerfulness of our home is what it’s all about. I can still feel and hear the cool breeze of the wind outside and the whimpering of my jackets from my wardrobe.

Oh Christmas! With that same cool breeze of the wind, I recalled myself walking in the streets of Manila, but the difference are the visibility of Christmas lights and the Christmas decor throughout the streets. I can hear the Christmas carols from the children from different houses. Everyone was excited and everyone seems to be very happy. It was different for me this year. It was very quiet and the people around me doesn’t seem to care (although some greeted me).

Deafening sound of silence. If you’re that loner-slash-hermit type of person, the place I’m living now is the best place for you! Ha! No deafening sounds of fireworks. No trumpets. No shouting. No laughter. No anything!!! It was just a normal day for them. It was just a simple greeting of ‘Happy New Year’ to each other. Here, it was quiet and normal compared to the extravagant and boisterous celebration from different nations. Pity. 😦

Despite my obnoxious complaints, I am still happy that I am alive and kicking. Although there are bad hair days and mood swings which will come along, I know that at the end of the day, everything’s gonna be okay. Hopefully.

Anyway, for the couple of months, I’ve been gone. I’ve been very busy with my work, reviewing for something, and at the same time, making gifts for my friends for Christmas. It was all worth it and I was able to finish it on time. I’m not really sure if they received it already (I hope they already did!). One day I will feature the gifts I’ve made for them and make a post about it.

Let’s start the year right. 🙂

… love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you …- Mt 5:44

I am typing this and telling my present situation to ease my hard feelings for this particular person. It may be nonsense to the one reading this, whoever you are, but my purpose is to ease off the burden I’m carrying now just to hear me out. For 3 days I have been on duty with my worst enemy. He doesn’t really know that I was really pissed with him (but maybe he can feel it) because it was our first time to have the same schedule.

If you ask me how I’d describe him physically, he is dark-skinned, pimpled face, quite long black hair and a medium built man. And if you ask me his personality: arrogant, bossy, know-it-all guy, disrespectful, lazy butt, unhygienic (you’d never wanna know) and a big snob. Well yeah, I may have been with him for only 3 days but he made those 3 effing days to be memorable to me as the worst days of my existence! He is a headache to me and my blood pressure is just rising up to my head. I was really pissed with him.

So here’s the story. It all actually started when his duty was supposed to start at 9 in the evening. My duty was only until 9 pm and guess what, he is late! Yeah, for one hour, I was calling him and calling him to come and he was claiming that his duty was supposed to be 10 pm. (That is what they do really, they come late and go home early, so there, I have revealed to you the anomaly in this particular section of our laboratory). When the day of our partnership came, I consulted him to clarify everything regarding on what time they should be coming during night duties and he was claiming that he should come at 10 pm. I was so pissed I was about to cry while arguing with him. I just told him that I would consult everything to our supervisor (which I’m afraid, I still haven’t done) and to hold a meeting regarding our schedule.

First round, done. The whole night I was trying to calm myself down and I just keep on telling myself that 2 more days with him and it would all be over. My second day with him, you may ask, is also devastating. Since he is the most arrogant and bossy guy I’ve ever known in my whole life, well here’s the case, I was in the phone with a very respectful agent from a company and I just asked him if there is a person on duty on one of the sections of the laboratory because the guy on the phone was asking and he was like: “Why? Who is that?” then I asked the guy on the phone who was he and he told me his name and then I told him the name of the guy. Then, he said that Mr. __ is there and he said to transfer him. So while I was talking to the guy so nicely, he was interrupting me and keep on talking and talking and shouting at me to transfer him. I can’t even hear the other guy on the line. HELLO!?!?!? I’m the one holding the phone and I’m the one talking so he should shut his crap and stop interrupting me. He started standing and I felt like he was about to get the phone from my hand so what I did was to stop him with my hand and made a talk-to-my-hand gesture while talking with the other guy on the phone. After that, I tried to calm myself down again.

Third day and third round. Our job is to receive specimens and bring it inside the laboratory and because I am very aware for the last 2 days, that he keeps on pushing the specimens to my side for me to carry it inside the laboratory,  I tried to tell him to bring the current specimens we have received inside the lab because I was the one always bringing it inside. He started arguing again! He told me: “What’s into you? Someone should stay here in the reception area.” So I told him then that I would be the one to stay, was that a big problem? Was that hard for him to carry those plastic bags inside the lab?!?! So there you go ladies and gentlemen, you’ve met one of the most lazy guys in the world. He doesn’t even have spontaneity to help me and bring those specimens inside. If you ask what he only does, well he sits there watching sitcoms and I don’t know what. Sometimes he goes out of the lab and talk with his other friends. No doubt his ass is getting bigger and bigger! Arrgghhh..

Well, so here’s the challenge, since he is going to the place where he came from to have a vacation, he asked for a favor from me. He has a schedule which is in the middle of his vacation and he wants someone to cover for him. My first thought: “NO WAY! I would never cover your duty time.” He was talking his shit out and he was telling me that blah blah blah… we should be supporting each other and everything blah blah blah. Yeah, I understand that he’s becoming this conscience to make me do it but I am saying HELL NO again! Then I went out, while I was walking I talked to God, I asked Him to give me a sign if I should help the guy or not. In this part of my story, believe me, the first thing that came to my mind was Jesus Christ carrying the cross while the Jews were throwing stones to Him. And the phrases: “If someone wanted to slap you in the face, give him the other side of it” and “Forgive and forget”  keeps on appearing in my head, so eventually I said YES. I don’t know if I’m stupid to do it or maybe I’m just too kind or maybe I was possessed by an angel but what I thought about was Jesus Christ. If only I don’t love HIM I wouldn’t do it. You know the worst part? I told him: “You owe me big time!” and he was shocked and told me “Why do I owe you?” and I said “Of course you owe me! If I didn’t agree to cover your schedule who would do it then huh?!?!” And he kept on explaining his shitty side about supporting each other blah blah blah… What I was expecting was he would humble himself (which I forgot that he is the arrogant type of person) and admit that he owes me and a simple thank you would do, REALLY but he just made me more pissed! I feel like blowing up. It didn’t occur to me to not do it, to back out of the deal. Ha! Oh well. Life.

So there, I don’t know if it’s a noble thing to do or just plain stupidity but well I believe in karma and I believe in HIM.

Always have faith. ❤

To Live Alone and To Die Alone

To some, I may be young, or may be too old to be single since birth but I can feel it. I’m gonna die alone.

When I woke up today, I remembered I was dreaming something about a guy whom I was dating in my dream but I don’t know who he is. I can’t even remember now what he looks like but in my mind I was dating him… then I woke up. My first thought: ‘I will die alone’.

You may have some fairy tale stories to tell that makes everyone giggle and blush. The art of courting and getting to know each other stage. The people  around you see your glow and you yourself feel ecstatic. That wonderful feeling of being in love. I know that feeling but I guess I would never feel it again. Never in my life did I date nor did anyone try to court me. I’m thinking sometimes that it was me who has a problem and sometimes, to make me feel better, I’m thinking that God had reserved someone special for me. But I understand now, that I have to accept this status. The status of being single forever. I am not proud of it and I’m not bragging about it. Some might say I’m just bitter because I can’t find a guy who would like me but I say no to that. What I’m saying is.. I feel contented of being single. I accept this status. I am contented to be with my family and my friends.  That feeling of contentment where you’re not looking for someone to be with. I know I shouldn’t consider it my final word since I know that maybe some day I would find that guy or maybe not. But at least, no disappointments along the way. If he comes, then good for me. If he doesn’t, still good for me. I can stand on my own. You should never find happiness to that person you’re looking for or pursuing. You still have your family, your friends and God.

I am just telling this side of my story to those who feel unloved and emotional about being single. I am an independent person. I am an independent woman. I don’t need a special someone to be happy. Maybe I’m telling this to those people who can’t believe that I have accepted this status. Maybe I’m also telling this because I’m sick of those people who keep on ranting about those who rejected them but, come on get over it, live a life without disappointments or regrets. Do what you wanna do. Don’t waste your time with the person who doesn’t love you back or who ignores you. Give yourself some credit and do something which will make you feel happier. Maybe along the way through the life you’re living, you’ll find that someone who would treat you special. If not, then at least you didn’t waste your precious time finding that someone. Just believe. 🙂

Record of my emotions

I didn’t intend to make a poem out of the things that happened to me today and yesterday but it dawned on me because it was what I was feeling and I feel delighted to make something out of ordinary. So I made one just to be fun. 🙂

Yesterday.

I was pissed.

I cooled down.

I was irritated.

I just frowned.

I got hungry.

I then wait..

For my friends who were late.

I just waited.

Then I ate.

Without them ’cause they’re delayed.

I went back to my job, to continue all my work.

My co worker arrived then it all dawned..

To me, the problem I didn’t notice

She showed me, then I grieved..

Until….

He came and asked for something

I giggled then I smiled

Inside, again, I am alive

Alas when he was gone,

Reality came back to me

Until midnight, I did not sleep

I was thinking and thinking

I was worried and inside I’m weeping

I didn’t notice I was sleeping..

Today.

I’m still worried.

I can’t stop thinking what I’ve done.

Maybe my job tomorrow will be gone.

Then at nine he opened the door.

Again I feel adored.

Mixed emotions came to me.

I smiled and I cried.

I found out I won

Something to be worn

I wanna jump up and down

But then I gave a smile and a frown

Until now it is not resolve

The problem that can’t be solved.

Can you feel it too?

Frustration. Sadness. Reality hits.

Do you know that feeling? That feeling. I can’t explain the feeling but I feel it inside my heart and sometimes deep down my throat. I don’t know if it’s only me who experiences it but I always feel it. That feeling right after I watch a very nice movie (especially when I watch it in a movie house) or when I finish a really good book, I feel like it’s never gonna end. When it ends, I feel so frustrated and so sad that all I wanna do is go through it and continue everything. I don’t want it to end. It’s like a dream… a very good dream that makes you feel alive and you don’t want to wake. I don’t know if I’m just sourgraping because when reality hits, it was never pleasant for me. I can feel it. That feeling.

When I read a book, I’m excited to know the end of it and I wanna finish it as soon as possible, but when it’s nearly the end of it, I don’t want to end it. Ironic, isn’t it? I don’t know if I make any sense. I don’t know if you understand me but you don’t need to if you don’t want to. I just wanna tell you whoever you are that I don’t wanna feel that anymore. That frustration. I’m not saying I don’t want to watch a good movie or read a very nice book anymore. I do. I’m actually craving for it now especially reading a very good book. I want that clichéness, that passionate kisses, that overrated relationships, that chick flick themed books and movies. It makes me giggle and day-dream but it also makes me sad at the same time because it hits me. In reality, it doesn’t happen. Just like the song of Taylor Swift, “If this was a movie, you’ll be here by now…”. It will never happen to me.

Right now I’m just… Contented. It’s been so long since I read a love story book. And since the ‘Penelope’ movie was just shown in the TV, I felt that feeling again. And I hate it and I also love it. That feeling.