Soul Searching

Soul Searching
 
Soul searching the path
Searching to where it asks
Working its way to Mary
And swerving to find Italy
 
How can it be? How can it be?
Why not choose me?
Waiting but not working
My way to the locality
 
Where can it be? Where can it be?
The place where my heart should be
He said never go back to east
Just go forward to west
 
Where am I? Where am I?
I’m not planning to die.
I just stand staring at faces
Watching passersby walking in fast paces
 
Why not go round and round?
Until I can’t be found
Am I just running?
Or is it escaping?
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Book Review: Shift by Kim Curran

shift

Title: Shift

Author: Kim Curran

Rating: 4/5

From being an ordinary teenage guy, Scott Tyler’s fooling around results in the discovery of him being an extraordinary person when he met the mysterious and appealing Aubrey Jones. He found out he was a “shifter”. Shifting is the process of undoing any decisions made by the shifter and there are only specific people who can do it. Being a shifter was not as cool and as easy as he thinks since shifting has grave consequences. With this discovery, he tries to decide which way he will follow to unravel the truth.

Control and power. Aren’t those what most people are aiming to attain? Are you willing to change your future and take the consequences? Kim Curran impressively introduced the idea of future-changing-mind­-over-matter capacity of our brain to shift from one decision to another. The complexity of our brains has pushed the limits of our human minds the ideas and concepts of how to improve and magnify the idea of enhancements. Its complexity has intrigued us as to how God created it and its capacity to hold valuable information and work through impossibilities.

Confusion at the first pace but perception sets in. It is my first time to read a Kim Curran novel which was highly recommended by my friend Arra Abella. Her fascination to this novel left me curious and interested and I should mention that it was worth reading. As I start to devour its content, the complexity of the role of every character imparts a twist in the story and starts to change its course. It was completely entertaining and although it was action- thriller, I felt that the romance just slips in every now and then.

How does it happen? I don’t know but Curran made it happen. Impossible? Not to her. If time machine has been invented today, would you use it? If you can change your previous decision, would you? This novel introduced the unique sense of spirit in time travelling and I must say this novel made me interested with it. After reading it, my mind boggled over the decisions I’ve made for the past few years, which I doubted, which I felt I should’ve changed, which I think is wrong but relating it to the novel, I must say that I would totally indulge in the opportunity to change even just some bits and parts of my life.

Day 6: Quotes I can relate to (Part 1)

I am so inspired to read from a lot of books recently and I have gathered some of my favorite quotes from different characters of the novels I’ve read.

1. “The trick of it, she told herself, is to be courageous and bold and make a difference. Not change the world exactly, just the bit around you. Go out there with your double-first, your passion and your new Smith Corona electric typewriter and work hard at… something. Change lives through art maybe. Write beautifully. Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved if at all possible. Eat sensibly. Stuff like that.”- Emma Morley, One Day by David Nicholls

2. “Ones character is set at an early age, son. The choices you make now will affect you for the rest of your life.” — Chester “Chet” Duncan, Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen

3. “Without pain, how could we know joy?” — The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Goodbye, Paul Walker!

paul

This post must have been late but just to acknowledge the greatness of a humble person who gives something to someone in need. The whole world was shocked with the death of Paul Walker. I was browsing updates in Instagram when one of my cousins posted a picture of Paul Walker with a caption “RIP Paul Walker”. I almost thought it was a hoax or he was just kidding until I opened my twitter and that’s when I saw all the updates. I felt cold and it’s so heartbreaking! I almost felt teary-eyed or maybe I will burst into tears if only my parents are not around. It was too spontaneous.

Paul Walker, you will forever be in our hearts ❤ ❤ ❤ and you’ll always be remembered. May you rest in peace.

Farewell, Ali!

This one’s for you Ali! When I found out about what happened, I relived those memories with you and I realized those moments were few but I won’t fret because although, most of it are coincidental meet-ups, I believe those were happy moments.

For those few years I’ve known you, you were the easy-going, jolly and very positive type of person and I admire you for that. Who would ever forget a person like you who always smiles? I never knew your condition until now that you’re gone, since you never told me.

Did you remember that moment when we coincidentally met at NAIA never knowing we have the same flight to Jeddah? I’m grateful you were with me during that flight because it was one of our bonding moments. You offered the seat beside you and I told you that if no one will be seating there I’d be your seatmate… we’re lucky.

Did you remember that before we left Manila, you looked so normal, but when we arrived Jeddah you were bloated? I will never forget the moment when you showed me your feet puffed up like a balloon and I was so shocked! You can’t wear your sneakers properly and you have to adjust the ties but you were smiling and laughing because of my reaction. I never knew your condition, Ali but why didn’t you tell me? We had 10 hours to talk about it but you never did. I guess, we weren’t really that close.

After that year I found out you stopped going to school because of your condition and I’m still oblivious as to what’s going on but it never bothered me. I just know that you were on dialysis and that’s it. I thought you’d be fine because you seem to be.

I’m sorry for nagging you about my Chang book but you can’t blame me, I love that Chemistry book! LOL. I remember the moments when we coincidentally come upon each other in UST grounds, you were always smiling from afar and when you approach me, you would tickle me.

I know our moments were few but it’s memorable. Did you remember our last bonding moment? It was crystal clear in

Our last photo together

Our last photo together

my mind. My friends and I were waiting for Ian Somerhalder to show up at Mall of Asia, there were lots of people waiting (mostly girls, you know it!) with us. While waiting, I just turned my head to the right and there you were with your brothers. You were holding that broad smile and I was surprised again. I thought after we see Ian, we would take apart but I never expected you and your brothers would be staying with us. We ate lunch together. Did you remember you were my partner when we played billiards? We won! I was so caught up I never thought that day would end.

You know what, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I am grateful that I saw you that day, that I met your cool brothers, that we made memories before I leave for Jeddah, but I am sad because I never thought it would be our last bonding moment. It will never happen again.

You will definitely be missed, Ali. Many people will miss your coolness and positive views, your smile and laugh, your jollies and jokes. I believe you are in a better place now.

Rest in Peace, Alirezah Ali 1990- 2013

Undecided

“Sometimes, Gin, life leaves you without directions, without guideposts or signs. When this happens, you just have to pick a direction and run like hell.” – Aunt Peg, The 13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson

I love this quote from the novel I’m recently reading. I’m also undecided of what I wanna do with life because there are so much things I wanna do and what I want to be. It’s very confusing which is which but the bottom part of it all is I wanna explore more of the world and life.

Labor of Love

The second month of the year is about to end and despite my busyness, I would never let this month pass without posting something. This month may be the love month to most of us but since I’m single (and I’m very much happy about it), I still got my family and friends to show my love. Ha! I was supposed to post this last year but since I was preparing something for Christmas, I thought, I’d better surprise them (my friends) first before they find out what it is I gave them.

It was November 2012 when my crafty side had erupted (and I would admit, my boring-ness too). Did you ever feel your hands (being so itchy, well not literally) and your mind (causing all the drive and being so pushy) just wanted to do something new and something special? Well, I felt that. Maybe because of my frustration to try something new and make something out of ordinary, given also with my obsession with Berets and beanies. And then it started…

My first not-so-perfect beret.

My second attempt

When I bought my first crochet hook and yarns, I was delighted. It was a magical moment for me (when I say magical, the moment I saw those crochet hooks in a bundle, there’s a background music playing in my mind. I was amused! Okay, I know I’m over reacting but forgive me for my excitement). Right after I bought it, I can’t wait to get home and make some.

I googled, researched and read about stuffs on how to make a beret/beanie and I stumbled upon these very helpful videos in YouTube. Thanks to Tracey Nguyen and Ms. Teresa of Crochet Geek for showing their wonderful skills and talent in YouTube. Here are their videos: DIY: Patched/Pyramid Beret (Crochet Tutorial) and Crochet Geek: Crochet Puff Stitch Hat

Since I’m still a novice, my first try wasn’t that successful but I didn’t give up. I remembered, it took me 2 days to finish that beret and I was so frustrated! When I finished it, I was flaunting it to my mom and my dad and my brother who keeps on teasing me and laughing at me while I was making it.  He can’t believe I made it and I was able to finish it! Ha! After making my first beret, I’ve got a very good idea: Why not make Berets as Christmas gifts? Well, I did it.

My first not-so-perfect beret.

My first not-so-perfect beret.

For the whole month of November 2012, right after my work, I spent hours making Berets for my friends while I wait for my dad to fetch me. People who pass by me are amused and can’t stop staring (I am loving the attention. Thank you very much!). For that whole month, I was able to finish 8 Berets. I just wasn’t able to take pictures of all of it since the sender of my package was about to leave the country and I’m still not finish with it all so it slipped my mind. Well anyway, I was able to take pictures of my first 2 products. DELIGHT!

In the middle of my crocheting, one day, my father asked me why I made so much of Berets, with different color combinations and different designs, and I told him that I’m making it for my friends as Christmas gifts and guess what he told me. He said: “Oh… Labor of Love” and I love hearing it. Indeed, it is.

Voicing out my cries

Be aware

More than a couple of months have passed and until now I still  feel threatened and traumatized with what happened to me.

I am dedicating this post for those people who were harassed, abused or taken advantaged of, sexually or not sexually.  I’ve been longing to post this from the moment it happened. I felt really ashamed of what happened and whenever I remember it, it disgust me! I am waiting for the right moment to post this and I felt that the right moment came. I am composed and I am ready to voice out my cries to you or to someone who is concerned.

It was my 2nd month at my first work and I’ve been feeling at ease and adjusted already. I knew the people around me and I’ve been very friendly with all of them especially with the bosses (of course!). Little did I know that my boss has a special interest in me.

One evening, it was past 5 and my colleague and I were talking. He passed by our window and talked with us. He started talking about our tardy co-workers and their warning letters, then suddenly in the middle of his sentence, he stopped. He entered the lab and called my name, so I followed him to his office for I thought it was just a routine work related instruction. He made me sit adjacent to him. At first he complimented and gave me flattering remarks in relation to my work attitude. For all the compliments he said, I only responded a ‘Thank you, Sir’. Then he initiated to shake my hand. TWICE! After that, he asked for my mobile number and also asked who I’m living with which I thought are irrelevant and very personal questions. I responded politely and answered all his questions. Then, he started touching my hands and touching my face and it really made me felt uneasy so after a few seconds I asked if I could leave because I really felt uncomfortable but he didn’t seem to hear me. Then he asked if my ‘Thank You’s’ could be replaced by a hug and a kiss which surprised me. But since I’ve noticed from my past encounters with him, he always jokes around, I thought he was just joking though it felt really uneasy but I didn’t show him. Then suddenly, he opened his arms wide in gesture of asking for a hug, I was caught in between of just shaking his hand and giving him a hug but since I could not refuse (since he’s my boss) I gave-in in a surprised manner and I was really feeling anxious. He gave me a kiss on the cheek while he was hugging me. I was surprised. I immediately moved away. I felt violated with the way he treated me. Before leaving his office he advised me not to mention it to anyone but I couldn’t hold my silence. The moment I stepped out of his office, I was shaking and I was so scared that I didn’t know what to do. When I went back to my post, my colleague was asking me what he told me and I was speechless. I was so scared and I was about to cry but I held it all back. I told her everything! I was asking her opinion if I should tell it to my parents or not. I started asking the opinions of my friends. One of my friends told me not to mention it to my parents but the other one told me to mention it to them so I was undecided.

After 4 days of sleepless nights, I couldn’t take it anymore. I told my mother and she was furious (not the scandalous kind of furious but she really wanted to talk to my boss and I was so scared I just couldn’t let her). We debated what to do but I was really decided to leave and resign. My father was calm about it and talked to me. He explained to me that it was not my fault and I didn’t do anything wrong so, why would I leave my job? He told me to talk to the head of the lab and explain to him everything, and so I did (with the support of my mom). After that, our head told me to go to the Human Resources to report my complaint. The abuser went to my mom’s office to explain his side but my mother didn’t let him. He was like, “I need to talk to you, in front of her (pointing at me)”. THE NERVE!

What I wanted to point out is that from all the trouble, my restlessness, my depression and my anxiety, NOTHING HAPPENED! They didn’t even suspend him! Knowing that this country is very conservative (I MEAN VERY VERY CONSERVATIVE THAT EVEN SHAKING A FEMALE’S HAND IS NOT ALLOWED), we thought they’d work on it. My mother was actually expecting them to fire him out but I told her that it would be grave until when he started asking his staff to lie for him telling the Human Resources people that he was in the office while that incident happened (THE EFF!). So here’s what I’m gonna tell you people who were investigating this case:

To Mr. AB, first of all, you didn’t know how scared I was and you didn’t know what I’ve been through. If you think that it is okay here in this place to hug and kiss a girl then think again! You may not have grown up here and I may be a Christian but I know and I respect the culture and tradition of this place so I hope you do too (especially you who is a native of this place). And if you were thinking that I am making up this story then you’re wrong! Never would I make up a story to destroy someone’s reputation! I know you two were bestest friends so no doubt about it, you’ll never hear me out. YES, I KNOW! Pity your bestest friend is a sex offender. Did you even know that he has also done it to someone other than me? She didn’t complain and I think you know why. I admit, I am a weakling and you were asking why he chose me? Well, ask him! Why ask me? My theory is, I will admit, I am shy, a weakling and a gullible kid. I easily trust people and that is my biggest mistake.

To one mister and two miss, I didn’t know what your opinions were when I explained to you my side but I hope you’ve analyzed the incident. (But I think that you didn’t analyze it well). HA!

What I am only asking is protection people! From what I’ve observed, you didn’t support my side. How about those other women who were abused?!?! How could they ask for your help when you are tolerating these kinds of action?!?!?! Now I am still fighting. If you all know how hard it is for me to see him every single day. It scares me! And at the same time, it disgusts me! My heart leaps out and runs away from my body. Actually, whenever I see him, my tendency is to run away. To leave. To run far away from the lab but I couldn’t. Right now, as long as I don’t see him, I feel better.

To the most disgusting person I’ve known, I wouldn’t stress myself to you. I would continue, live my life and I would just laugh and wait for your karma.

… love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you …- Mt 5:44

I am typing this and telling my present situation to ease my hard feelings for this particular person. It may be nonsense to the one reading this, whoever you are, but my purpose is to ease off the burden I’m carrying now just to hear me out. For 3 days I have been on duty with my worst enemy. He doesn’t really know that I was really pissed with him (but maybe he can feel it) because it was our first time to have the same schedule.

If you ask me how I’d describe him physically, he is dark-skinned, pimpled face, quite long black hair and a medium built man. And if you ask me his personality: arrogant, bossy, know-it-all guy, disrespectful, lazy butt, unhygienic (you’d never wanna know) and a big snob. Well yeah, I may have been with him for only 3 days but he made those 3 effing days to be memorable to me as the worst days of my existence! He is a headache to me and my blood pressure is just rising up to my head. I was really pissed with him.

So here’s the story. It all actually started when his duty was supposed to start at 9 in the evening. My duty was only until 9 pm and guess what, he is late! Yeah, for one hour, I was calling him and calling him to come and he was claiming that his duty was supposed to be 10 pm. (That is what they do really, they come late and go home early, so there, I have revealed to you the anomaly in this particular section of our laboratory). When the day of our partnership came, I consulted him to clarify everything regarding on what time they should be coming during night duties and he was claiming that he should come at 10 pm. I was so pissed I was about to cry while arguing with him. I just told him that I would consult everything to our supervisor (which I’m afraid, I still haven’t done) and to hold a meeting regarding our schedule.

First round, done. The whole night I was trying to calm myself down and I just keep on telling myself that 2 more days with him and it would all be over. My second day with him, you may ask, is also devastating. Since he is the most arrogant and bossy guy I’ve ever known in my whole life, well here’s the case, I was in the phone with a very respectful agent from a company and I just asked him if there is a person on duty on one of the sections of the laboratory because the guy on the phone was asking and he was like: “Why? Who is that?” then I asked the guy on the phone who was he and he told me his name and then I told him the name of the guy. Then, he said that Mr. __ is there and he said to transfer him. So while I was talking to the guy so nicely, he was interrupting me and keep on talking and talking and shouting at me to transfer him. I can’t even hear the other guy on the line. HELLO!?!?!? I’m the one holding the phone and I’m the one talking so he should shut his crap and stop interrupting me. He started standing and I felt like he was about to get the phone from my hand so what I did was to stop him with my hand and made a talk-to-my-hand gesture while talking with the other guy on the phone. After that, I tried to calm myself down again.

Third day and third round. Our job is to receive specimens and bring it inside the laboratory and because I am very aware for the last 2 days, that he keeps on pushing the specimens to my side for me to carry it inside the laboratory,  I tried to tell him to bring the current specimens we have received inside the lab because I was the one always bringing it inside. He started arguing again! He told me: “What’s into you? Someone should stay here in the reception area.” So I told him then that I would be the one to stay, was that a big problem? Was that hard for him to carry those plastic bags inside the lab?!?! So there you go ladies and gentlemen, you’ve met one of the most lazy guys in the world. He doesn’t even have spontaneity to help me and bring those specimens inside. If you ask what he only does, well he sits there watching sitcoms and I don’t know what. Sometimes he goes out of the lab and talk with his other friends. No doubt his ass is getting bigger and bigger! Arrgghhh..

Well, so here’s the challenge, since he is going to the place where he came from to have a vacation, he asked for a favor from me. He has a schedule which is in the middle of his vacation and he wants someone to cover for him. My first thought: “NO WAY! I would never cover your duty time.” He was talking his shit out and he was telling me that blah blah blah… we should be supporting each other and everything blah blah blah. Yeah, I understand that he’s becoming this conscience to make me do it but I am saying HELL NO again! Then I went out, while I was walking I talked to God, I asked Him to give me a sign if I should help the guy or not. In this part of my story, believe me, the first thing that came to my mind was Jesus Christ carrying the cross while the Jews were throwing stones to Him. And the phrases: “If someone wanted to slap you in the face, give him the other side of it” and “Forgive and forget”  keeps on appearing in my head, so eventually I said YES. I don’t know if I’m stupid to do it or maybe I’m just too kind or maybe I was possessed by an angel but what I thought about was Jesus Christ. If only I don’t love HIM I wouldn’t do it. You know the worst part? I told him: “You owe me big time!” and he was shocked and told me “Why do I owe you?” and I said “Of course you owe me! If I didn’t agree to cover your schedule who would do it then huh?!?!” And he kept on explaining his shitty side about supporting each other blah blah blah… What I was expecting was he would humble himself (which I forgot that he is the arrogant type of person) and admit that he owes me and a simple thank you would do, REALLY but he just made me more pissed! I feel like blowing up. It didn’t occur to me to not do it, to back out of the deal. Ha! Oh well. Life.

So there, I don’t know if it’s a noble thing to do or just plain stupidity but well I believe in karma and I believe in HIM.

Always have faith. ❤